Ballybeen man’s cold upgraded to ‘bad cold’

A Dundonald man’s cold has been upgraded to a ‘bad cold’ after a careful and thorough self-diagnosis, it has emerged.

Joe McMelter spend the first half hour in work this morning typing his symptoms into Google after he found it ‘a wee bit sore to swallow’ .

The 37-year-old selflessly volunteered to leave work this morning rather than risk spreading his germs among his colleagues.

But his condition had deteriorated further by the time his partner Helen arrived home from night shift.

She found her boyfriend lying along the sofa under a quilt texting anyone he thought might give a fuck about his runny nose.

‘She said that I’ve done nothing but moan since I Googled these symptoms’.

‘But I’ve tried to explain to her that men don’t moan. We emit involuntary groans which are directly proportionate to the excruciating pain we are in’, he said.

‘I told her I read online that the pains a woman experiences during child birth can become so severe that she almost knows what it’s like to have ‘Man-flu’.

‘She was so overcome, she accidentally spilled a scalding hot Lemsip all over my bollocks’, winced Joe.

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