Local couple to divorce after night spent building flat-pack unit

A Dundonald couple are divorcing after 10 years of marriage following a night of building flat-pack furniture from IKEA, it has emerged.

Helen and Joe McMelter made the decision about four hours into their futile bid to assemble a ‘Liatorp’ wall unit, during which the frailties of their relationship were brutally exposed.

Despite the protestations of a mildly hungover Joe, Helen insisted upon visiting the notorious Swedish hell-hole where she spotted the 9ft wide and 7ft high unit.

It wasn’t until they arrived home and started unpacking the various boxes that the enormity of the task at hand became apparent.

And several hours of swearing and finger pointing, the unit, much like their marriage, came crashing down around them.

At one point the PSNI were called to property by a concerned neighbour who heard ‘a womanly cry for help’.

However, when officers arrived on the scene they found Joe lying in the corner of the living room with a 32-page instruction manual lodged up his rectum.

After the police had diffused the situation, the couple decided it was best to dissolve the marriage immediately and left the matter in the rubbing-hands of their respective legal teams.

‘I told the useless bastard to use the instructions. But no. He knew better’, recalled Helen.

‘IKEA must be the Swedish word for divorce’, said Joe.

Meanwhile, Dr Steph O’Scope of Dundonald Looniversity believes a trip to IKEA followed by a collaborative effort to build flat-pack furniture is the true test of any relationship.

‘When you’re two hours into building an IKEA unit, that’s when you see someone’s true colours’.

‘If at the end of it all, you’ve a fully-built unit with zero spare parts – and you haven’t stuck an allen key up your spouse’s hole – then it’s time to start booking that Platinum Wedding Anniversary party’.


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