NI employers will grant two weeks compulsory ‘July riot leave’ under new legislation

Westminster is forcing through new legislation meaning all Northern Ireland employers must give their staff two weeks ‘July riot leave’ , it has emerged. 

As of midnight tonight, workers across the province will be awarded two full weeks paid holiday in July so they can fully participate in violent public disturbances.

The UK government believes that July provides the perfect conditions for prolonged riotous behaviour with its extended daylight hours and glorious weather.

‘We recognise that any sort of structured routine could severely hinder a person’s involvement in a running battle with the PSNI or groups of a different religious persuasion’, said one MP, Richard Head.

‘How could you expect anyone to spend all day lobbing masonry at local law enforcement officers if they’re bound by the shackles of a 9-5 shift?’, he questioned.

‘That’s why we’re giving everyone two weeks off to concentrate on public disorder’.

‘A well-rested rioter is a happy rioter’, he added.

We caught up with one 50-yr-old menace to society, Chucky Stone, who explained the benefits of a fortnight off work when eager to engage in bitter sectarian street-fighting.

Stone, who was involved in a spot of cross-community brick-throwing at a nearby interface area last night told us:

‘Aye, it’s good ta get aff work ta stuck inta da peelers, know whatta mean?’ – as if what he said was so complicated and profound it would require further explanation.

‘Means I can launch bricks and petrol bombs all night without the fear of any adverse effect on my performance in work the next day due to fatigue’.

‘It allows us to spend more time doing the things we love, like lighting big fires or running out of milk at the precise moment a marching band is going past the house’

However, not everyone is happy about the recent influx of holiday hooligans.

Seasoned rioter and long-term sick absentee Claude Mason (49), was less than complimentary about Mr Stones and other fair weather agitators:

‘Fuckin’ part-timers’, he yelled.

This week’s offer from Fletcher Meats

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s