NI Dulse addiction and seaweed related deaths highest in UK

A new study has revealed that Northern Irish seaside communities have the highest rates of teen Dulse addiction and seaweed related deaths in the UK.

Distraught parents staged a dignified riot in Conway Square last in response to Stormont’s refusal to acknowledge what they claim is now a ‘pandemic’.

Harrowing images have emerged of teenager Bobby Blair (16) fighting for his life in Ards Hospital after he ate a bad batch of Dulse at a house party last Friday evening.

His parents launched a heart wrenching appeal to other teens, telling them to think twice before eating the salty shite-tasting sea moss.

However, much like the heroin problem in Belfast which has seen a 5000% rise in the amount people soiling themselves in doorways along Botanic Avenue, little has been done.

‘Nobody gives a flying f**k’, said one Stormont official.

Dulse is a highly addictive substance sold as flakes in white paper bags by dealers posing as newsagents in the coastal towns.

It first saw widespread use in primarily impoverished bucket and spade shit-holes such as Millisle and Donaghadee during the 70s and 80s.

Bobby’s father, Rab (45) told reporters, ‘Dulse costs more than just money. Look at the kip of our Bobby, lying there with seaweed hanging out of his mouth and arse. Shacking’.

Dr Steph O’Scope of the Ards Hospital Neo-Nazi Unit told us, ‘His brain is dead and he can barely string a sentence together’.

‘He’ll be an MLA in no time’, she added.

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