Roy Keane storms Old Trafford and declares himself chairman/player/manager

Roy Keane burst into Ed Woodward’s office this morning and assumed control of the club, it has emerged.

The 47-year-old Cork native arrived at Old Trafford at approximately 10am and punched his way through numerous walls until he found the office belonging to Manchester United’s executive vice-chairman.

Keane then dangled Woodward out of a nearby window by the ankles until the former investment banker agreed to hand over complete control of the club.

Petrified office staff heard Woodward’s screams while Keane shouted obscenities and questioned his character.

Once Woodward agreed to relinquish control of the club, Keane dragged him back inside the building by the tie and demanded his contract be signed in blood.

Woodward looked on in horror as Keane brandished a razor sharp hunting knife and ran the blade across the palm of his own hand.

Later that morning first team squad members squealed when they saw Keane emerge from the mist on United’s Carrington training ground.

To assert his immediate authority over the players, Keane beat Paul Pogba to death using Jesse Lingard.

Keane then smeared Pogba’s blood across his face and challenged the entire squad to a ‘square go’.

When no one stepped forward Keane snarled: ‘You’re all weak. Now get the fucking cones out’.

It’s understood that Greater Manchester Police are now treating the incident as a hostage situation.

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