Dundonald man building ark

There were raised eyebrows in Dundonald this morning when a partially constructed ark was spotted in the Moat Park.

The gigantic wooden vessel is the handy work of local man Noah Chambers who claims to have had a vivid dream about a huge flood that would destroy Dundonald and everything that lived there.

In fact, the dream was so intense that Noah believed it could be some sort of premonition.

‘I dreamt that God confessed to me he burnt down Primark’, recounted the 47-year-old.

‘Then he said he was gonna flood Dundonald because he was sick of answering prayers about the Glider situation’.

‘So when I woke up this morning, I decided to prepare for the flood by building a big fuck-off boat’, he added.

However, Noah’s two daughters were highly sceptical of their father’s psychic powers, especially when they discovered he’d pished the bed during the night.

They argued the dream about the flood was most likely Noah’s subconscious telling him to get his arse to the toilet rather than some newfound clairvoyant ability.

Undeterred by his children’s lack of faith, Noah decided to press ahead and build his boat.

In the dream, Noah remembered that the animals were also destroyed by the floods. So he decided to build his boat big enough to preserve the existence of the local wildlife from Ballybeen and Tullycarnet.

Even though Noah’s girls weren’t exactly Mensa material, they immediately raised a few questions about the practicality of building something which far exceeded the known three-hundred-foot limit for a wooden vessel.

Not least of all was the issue surrounding their lack of nautical experience beyond getting the ferry across to watch Rangers at Ibrox.

However, as Noah was falsely claiming disability allowance, singlehandedly building a huge wooden boat in broad daylight was going to be problematic, especially with all the nosy bastards in Dundonald snooping around.

Noah’s fears were realised when the DHSS called out to the build site.

‘Some fucker rang the bru’, explained Noah.

However, Noah decided to bite his tongue because he took great solace in the knowledge that the touting bastards would have two lungs filled with sea water in the very near future.

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