‘Don’t f**king touch it, you’ll ruin it ya ballix ye’, kids told.

Children across Northern Ireland are looking forward to another year of watching their parents carve elaborate designs into pumpkins, it has emerged.

The age-old Halloween tradition of pumpkin carving has taken on a life of its own by becoming some sort of online cock-measuring contest now associated with bonfire building.

These days, ultra-competitive arse-holes enjoy whittling intricate designs into foul-smelling pumpkins using templates they downloaded from the internet.

And despite claims that ‘it’s all about the kids’, children are absolutely forbidden to participate in the carving in case they ruin it in any way.

‘Oh goody. Another year watching Dave attempt a Xenomorph from the Aliens franchise’, grumbled 8-yr-old Jack O’ Landon.

‘He’s gone all out this year and ordered the proper tools off the internet’.

Jack reveals his father’s determination is driven purely by jealousy:

‘I just heard him call some of the other Dads very rude words after he saw their pumpkin designs on Facebook’.

‘Last year I sat and watched him for four hours straight before I called it a night at 1am’.

‘When I told him I was going to bed he called me an ungrateful b*stard and threw a fist full of pumpkin seeds at me’.

‘Bonfires, pumpkins, sofas full of presents on Christmas morning – it’s just a never ending online cock-measuring contest these days’, ranted Jack.

Meanwhile, Jack’s grandfather Cecil scoffed when his son, Dave, sent him a picture of the finished article around 2am.

‘F**king big girl’s blouse wants to stop fannying about with those pumpkins and start gutting out turnips using a teaspoon’.

‘That’s how I got this third knuckle on my right-hand thumb’, he added.

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