After a homeless charity’s decision to leave a vulnerable pensioner under a tree in Dundonald’s Moat Park, here are some things Anne could do today:
1. Watch a Glider breakdown – The two-year-long roadworks which preceded the big bendy monstrosity had many commuters considering sleeping underneath a tree in the Moat Park rather than spend another second staring at the dandruff on the shoulders of the passenger in front. It’s now a common sight to find the Glider curled up like a dead caterpillar and causing an obstruction in the middle of Dundonald.
2. Do a sunbed – Much like the aforementioned Glider buses, sometimes you wait for ages on a sunbed shop then three come along at once. Even though weather-beaten Anne is getting enough Vitamin D, a wee course of sunbeds would top up that base-tan she’s currently developing while lying exposed to the elements.
3. Go ice-skating – Not many people know this fact but Dundonald hosts the only Olympic-sized frozen fingering-pond in the whole of Northern Ireland. Anne could roll back the years while being pursued around the rink by a swarm of speed-skating horny teenage boys as a Clubland album blasts at dangerously high-levels over the PA system.
4. Take shelter in one of our 450 churches – Church is often known as ‘the Lord’s house’ and what a portfolio of properties the big lad upstairs has in Dundonald. And seeing as how the supreme being doesn’t pay any rates on any of his cribs, why not give a little back to the taxpayer by giving shelter to one of its flock, who’s been lying in the pissing rain for over a week?
5. Go down the Indianaland free-fall – Going down the big yellow vertical slide in Indianaland is a Dundonald rite of passage. For over three decades the children of BT16 have suffered agonising friction burns rather than endure the taunts of their peers. Before homosexuality was legalised in Dundonald in 2017, the only way a suspicious father could determine whether or not his son was ‘a froot’ was whether or not he went down the free-fall.
6. Get pissed in the Moat Park – For decades, the ‘bored’ youth of Dundonald would congregate along the footbridge in The Moat Park to guzzle jumbos of cider before vomiting where they stood. Local historians believe that if you were born before 1998, then the chances are you were conceived on top of the Norman Motte inside the park. Mine’s a bottle of Old E, Anne!
7. Then go and abuse McDonald’s staff and customers – After ingesting enough cheap cider to blind a pony, Anne could stagger the short distance to McDonalds where lots of staff and patrons are just dying to be verbally and then physically abused. Yes, there isn’t a better argument to spend a life on the dole than running the risk of being blinded by an inebriated spide over a minimum wage job.
8. Finally, go live in Stormont – Yes. Rather than allow a 65-year-old woman to freeze to death in a public park, why not open the doors of that big empty building on the hill and let all the City’s homeless spend the winter there? Cos let’s face it, there is absolutely fuck all chance of those freeloading self-serving greedy lazy bastards going back there any time soon!