Man confirms he’s no longer interested in sex by wearing bum bag

A Dundonald man has dropped a huge hint that he’s no longer interested in sex by sporting a hideous, yet admittedly practical, belt-pouch commonly known as a ‘bum-bag’.

Cecil Bate (47) emerged from his three bedroom semi this morning proudly displaying a small fabric pouch strapped around his waist.

The married father-of-three then rummaged around the belted-satchel to ensure he’d packed his car keys, mobile phone and a packet of Wrigleys Juicy Fruit, while his mortified wife and children looked on.

‘Look at how practical it is’, asked Cecil whilst flaunting the repulsive reticule.

‘Ok, fair enough, I may never again hear a woman scream in orgasmic exaltation but on the plus side all my accessories are more easily accessible and less likely to be misplaced’, he argued.

A study compiled by Dundonald Looniversity confirmed that bum-bags are now a more effective form of contraception than sterilisation or castration.

Calls have been made to make the unsightly satchels available on the NHS to help prevent overpopulating in piss-poor areas.

The study found that 99.8% of men were unable to attain an erection whilst looking at a woman who was wearing the despicable accessory.

Results also revealed that 99.9% of women said they’d rather feed their legs into a wood chipper than let a bum-bag wearing male within a five mile radius of their reproductive organs.

Cecil’s wife Martha confirmed as much when asked if she’d ever consider allowing her husband’s penis to enter her again.

‘I’d rather stir fry my feet’, she said whilst sewing up her vagina.


Fans of the DLA can purchase TWO TICKETS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE for all midweek showings (Mon-Thurs) of the comedy ‘Three’s a Shroud’ in Belfast.

To do this simply use the promo code SHROUD241 when booking your tickets.…/all-events/three-s-a-shroud/ or phone 02890334455.

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