Bono visits Ballybeen survivors of Storm Ali

Rock saint Bono chartered a private jet to George Best Airport so that he could see first hand the devastation caused to Ballybeen by Storm Ali.

Winds of up to 5mph swirled through the Estate this afternoon, resulting in the destruction of countless garden gnomes, three patio chairs and an old tree.

Harrowing images of residents clinging onto their trampolines were broadcast around the globe leading to an outpouring of sympathy as #prayforballybeen began trending on Twitter.

After witnessing the footage, Bono decided to intervene in the humanitarian crisis they’re describing as the worst to hit Ballybeen since the Mace ran out of fegs last year.

‘I’ll be staging a charity gig in the Enler Complex with all the proceeds going towards the victims of Storm Ali’, announced Bono.

‘And this kind-hearted gentleman has offered to help collect donations for all of those in need’, said Bono whilst pointing at a shaven-headed man shaking a bucket with one hand and restraining a rabid muscular dog with the other.

With many local businesses closing early due to safety concerns, many men sought refuge in the nearby Bowlers club.

All schools in Dundonald were closed – except for a card school, which experienced unusually high attendance figures.

Dundonald Independence Committee member Sammy Mellon was less than enthused to see Bono in the Estate.

‘A hurricane is one thing but the thought of that insincere bastard singing into the camera with that constipated expression on his face is another’.

‘Don’t you think these kids have suffered enough?’, he questioned.

Wanna come along and see the writer of the DLA’s stage comedy ‘Three’s a Shroud’ in the Belfast Waterfront (Sept 20 – Oct 6)? Get your tickets now!

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