A Dundonald man is wondering why the fuck exactly that he agreed to participate in a month long miserable self-imposed drink embargo, it has emerged.
Stephen McGreedy, 36, decided to give up the booze for a month after friends and family subtly pointed out that ‘he’d completely ripped the hole out of it’ since before the World Cup.
However, less than two weeks before his voluntary sobriety begins McGreedy is questioning his decision.
‘Oh fuck that’, sighed McGreedy. ‘There has to be a way out of it?’.
The 36-year-old spent the morning trawling through his diary and made a startling discovery.
‘I was hoping there’d be some unavoidable social event that would be swimming in glorious booze but there’s nothing’, he sobbed.
‘No stag dos, no weddings and no birthdays. Not one fucker I know was born in October. What are the odds, eh?’
‘All I can pray for now is a death in the family’, he confessed.
‘I’ll ring my ma and see how my aunt Ethel’s getting on. I heard they spotted something in her lung last month’.
‘She could be my ticket to an early bevvy’, he grinned.
McGreedy’s voluntary exile from alcoholism also led him to make, with a little encouragement from his spouse, some other bold life choices.
‘She made me join her gym’, said McGreedy whilst sat in his expensive new tracksuit eating a Pot Noodle.
‘The PT said I’ll be using a few machines tonight. Hopefully it’s the gamblies in the fuckin’ bar next door’, he added.
Come and see the writer of the DLA’s show ‘Three’s a Shroud’ kicking off in Armagh on Wednesday 19th and then Belfast’s Waterfront Sept 20th – Oct 6th.