God: I didn’t burn down Primark

God has strenuously denied allegations that he burnt down Belfast’s Primark store because of the company’s LGBT links, it has emerged.

When the landmark Bank Buildings in Belfast city centre caught fire yesterday afternoon, some people alleged that our Heavenly Father was directly responsible.

Those circulating the rumours suggested the Almighty One wreaked his fiery revenge on the Irish retailer for placing some rainbow-coloured articles of clothing on display.

But the Holy Spirit finally broke his silence this morning to describe the allegations as: ‘Total wank’.

Talking to Belfast Live, God said: ‘Listen, I would never burn down Primark’.

‘I’ll admit, I considered it for split second last week when they put their Christmas jumpers on display but I didn’t do it’.

‘Do you know many prayers per week I get from men being trailed around that shop, asking me to set fire to it?’.

‘But no matter how much they beg, I say, suck it up lads. No doubt she’ll be stuck in the house tonight watching the football. Fair is fair’.

The Father and creator of the universe admits he was a tad vengeful in the past but those days are well and truly behind him.

‘The flood was a bit of a watershed moment for me’, he mused.

‘After that I said to myself, no more genocides. I’ve definitely mellowed since then’.

When asked if the people of Northern Ireland should be sending Primark employees thoughts and prayers in the wake of the blaze, God replied: ‘No, send them money’.

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