Woman who replaced toilet roll must want an OBE, claims husband

A local woman who replaced a toilet roll is acting as though it warrants an honour from the Queen, according to her husband.

Angel Soft (37) went ‘fucking ape-shit’ upon discovering that her husband, Scott (39), had used all the toilet paper again and ‘never bothered his lazy hole’ to replace it.

‘All I heard was the yelling coming from upstairs’, recalled Scott.

‘So she put a new shit-roll on the wee metal arm thingy. Big deal. What’s she after? A fuckin’ Knighthood or something?’ quizzed Scott, while sprawled along the sofa with a bowl of Doritos nestled between his hairy tits.

However, his long-suffering wife Angel unsurprisingly had a different interpretation of the events which unfolded.

‘A cup of coffee ran right through me. Since I had our Justin, I just can’t hold it in like I used to’, she confessed

‘I was boundin’ uppa stairs two at a time and my gusset was ringin’ like a Civil Service phone after 12 on a Friday’.

‘Fortunately, I managed to get onto the toilet before I pished my good active wear’.

‘But when I reached for the bog roll, all I could feel was the bare cardboard tube with a couple of wee strands hangin’ off it’.

‘Every day he locks himself in there for a good hour, shittin’ like a horse with IBS and playin’ Candy Crush on his phone’.

But it would never cross his mind to putta new bog roll on the holder when he’s done’.

‘He’s a lazy fuck-dog. He doesn’t lift a finger round here’, she added.

However, Scott disagreed.

‘Oh I lift a finger alright. My middle one as soon as her big back is turned’, he sniggered.

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