Moaning aul bitch threatening to stick a knife in your ball


An elderly local woman is threatening to burst children’s footballs using a knife, it has emerged.

Ethel McGulder (87) was just looking out her window hoping to be offended when, as luck would have it, an all-weather size 4 Mitre soccer ball landed in her meticulously kept garden.

When an 8-year-old boy came into the garden to fetch it, the retired teacher appeared at her front door and yelled, ‘If that ball comes in my garden again, I’ll stick a bloody knife in it’.

When the frightened little boy ran off, Ethel lifted the ball and placed it inside her shed alongside the countless others she’s confiscated over the years.

Throughout the 70s, 80s and 90s, Ethel chastised hundreds of children that had strayed into her garden in search balls, frisbees and other misplaced items.

But the past fifteen years or so have proved to be a barren spell for grumpy old f**kers like Ethel.

The emergence of electrical devices such as iPads, smartphones and tablets has resulted in a sharp decline in the amount of feral children meandering the streets looking for adults to antagonise or things to set-alight.

‘Ah, it was just like the aul days’, smiled Ethel.

‘About twenty years ago, you’d hardly gat yer arse back to yer seat when some other wee fucker’s ball would’ve landed in yer garden’.

Trying to justify her behaviour, including threatening small children with a blade, Ethel reasoned:

‘What if they put someone’s windies in? Who’s gonna pay fer that?’

‘Besides, me and my Albert can hardly hear the TV over it’, she moaned, while turning the volume up to 99 bars.

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